We always see our worst selves. Our most vulnerable selves. We need someone else to get close enough to tell us we’re wrong. Someone we trust.

I think I have trouble letting go

I just finished watching the first season of the Carrie Diaries and it brought me to an epiphany I didn’t expect from that kind of show. The final episode is all about letting go, understanding that the bad memories fade and are replaced by new ones, but only if you let them. And I just started thinking.

I think I have trouble letting go. It’s like every time I have something bad or great happen to me that I don’t want to let go of I do one of two things: I dwell on it or I run away. When my father died I ended up traveling between two countries 3 times in the space of a month. Once I had settled in one of those countries I even applied for a TV show with the hope that that too would let me keep running. And then three months later I switched countries again. When I sit still for too long I think about the things I need to let go of and that’s not ok, I can’t do it.

This is probably why I can’t fall asleep without the sound of a movie or TV show, god forbid I get left alone with my own thoughts in a dark room. Who knows what might happen to me.

And I know this is bad. I haven’t moved on from some major life events I know I should move on from, and now (thanks to a TV show) I’m so aware of that. But I don’t want to stop running. Because as soon as I stop I know I’m going to lose my mind.

4 months ago
0 notes